My Second Family Constellation with Seeing with Your Heart Immersion 2019

On Day 2 of the Who Am I (Seeing with Your Heart Weekend with Dan and Emily), I volunteered to lead a Qi gong (8 Brocades) exercise in the morning and everyone got to stretch out and had a tiny workout in the morning. I was very grateful that everyone loved the funny story and good stretch to get their Qi flowing.

After we learned about the three orders of love in Bert Hellinger’s teachings (inclusion, hierarchy/precedence and balance of giving and taking), we were invited to put our names into a bowl if we wanted to be constellated. I felt ready to constellate my intention and Vern, the participant constellated the day before picked my name from the bowl.

My intention was to manifest my soulmate relationship and start my healing career. I wanted abundance and a soulmate to support my work. I wanted a healthy feminine to learn to receive in balance and not just overgive. I tend to family love everyone I meet because I am not comfortable with my sexuality and I wanted a healthy feminine and masculine within me. I wanna learn the difference between agape and romantic love.

So, Emily set up reps for myself, my future soulmate, my soul, his soul, and our mothers. They were not really interacting much. My mother kept thinking that I am doing everything wrong and she was very judgemental towards me. I began embracing my soul. My partner stood in a rigid frame somewhat distanced from his mother in the future. He expressed difficulties in expressing his feelings and pain in his shoulders. His soul stood near the ancestral space and was in deep grief as if mourning. Emily tested three possibilities (family entanglement, soulmate of this lifetime, past life soul contract). The three reps behaved very interestingly. Family entanglement held onto my soulmate’s soul and made him feel very heavy. Past life soul contract felt out of place and left the field. Soulmate of this lifetime was forceful in trying to bring two mothers together to do something with them. So, Emily confirmed that I needed a family constellation, not a soul constellation. She took out the word “future” from my soulmate, his soul and his mother’s name tags.

Then, two more reps were invited for my maternal grandparents. My grandpa expressed a sense of secrecy and my grandma was stoic and quiet. There was not much movement. My soulmate stared at a white rock/crystal heart and was transfixed by the coldness and hardness of it. The rep saw a female statue and said that they should just take it. As if rape is what the female statue should endure. My work/drive to overachieve was also represented. He just said how a waste of time everything was and he almost wanted to dash out of the room from the front end window.

A woman came into the field with great rage and resentment, holding pillows as her babies. She raged at my grandpa for abandoning her and she needed work for survival. It was almost as if she was an abandoned first wife during the war. She and my grandma/mother both tried dragging Work into the back, by their side but he was so forceful that they could barely contain him in the field.

This woman raged at my soulmate as well. My soulmate then expressed deep attraction towards this woman and a desire to impregnate her. The woman of anger said, you can have my body but I will curse you to the end of time and you will know who is the winner or more powerful one at the end. My grandpa and soulmate became rapist-vibe-infused and expressed how women are just for reproduction and sex.

Dan and Emily invited another rep for the Japanese Army who invaded Southeast Asia and raped many women, killed many men. The rep was stoic, quiet and cold-hearted. She took the stone heart and held it. She said she had no words or feelings. Similar to what my soulmate reported in the beginning of the constellation when his soul and his physical self was distanced.

At some point, Emily placed a rep for my heart. My heart was just weeping silently in a corner near the future. She suddenly said that nobody ever noticed her and she was overcome with deep sadness. She then went to the ancestral space and started crying and raging at the woman and the Japanese army. She implied that the woman of anger was her mother and she was just neglected and unloved. The angry woman told my heart how she was ugly and annoying and just needed to be quiet. My heart cried like a child demanding love and asked why they birthed her if they did not want her. As an observer, I went to the field of council for a better view and kept praying for help from all the Bodhisattvas and other spiritual guides. My Work started moving around as if representing my analytical mind starting to work and trying to disentangle the mess. That is how I disconnect from my heart with work to solve everything.

As my heart, the angry woman and Japanese army came to an intense confrontation, we asked my heart to come closer to my soul and my person. My heart refused and said that someone needed to be in her place in the ancestral field to represent all the broken hearts and orphans that were neglected or abandoned after the war. A woman praying took my heart’s place and we all went to a prayer/reconciliation ceremony kneeling at her knees. The divine feminine, divine masculine resources were represented to give resource and support to the rep of prayer/forgiveness. The Japanese Army began to feel her heart warming up and expressed a deep sense of regret, guilt and sadness beyond words. The angry woman held her child (my heart) and we all confronted the tragic sadness of the war, the cruelty of it all, the men and women who all did their best, the orphans feeling unwanted and much more.

Then we moved to my grandparents, I was invited to tell my ancestors that I want to reclaim my sexuality, my body, my femininity and find a new way to embody it beyond what they know. I forgave them and acknowledged how everyone did the best they could. Work was in the 2nd dimension/ancestral space, more at ease and at peace. My heart went to the front with my soul and my person. I saw my soulmate’s soul next to my soul.

I then went to take my place in the 1st dimension of the present and saw my soulmate’s person in the future. We were invited to say yes to each other but I wanted work to be in the front with me, after I brought him there, he laid down by my feet and held on to my left ankle, curled up. My soulmate said “Soon” instead of yes.

So, Emily invited Work to go next to my ancestors and asked my soulmate the question again. My soulmate finally said yes and we promised to find a new way to embody healthy masculine and feminine when we meet. I promised to make space in my heart and life for love.

That was how my 2 hour 15 minutes constellation ended. I have so many questions and thoughts around the trauma of war, the healthy masculine, feminine and beyond that are resources from the divine to me. I needed to find balance in my relationship to work, my heart and soul.

So many thoughts are stirred up on this weekend on the orders of love (including family members forgotten or abandoned due to historical trauma, balancing give and take — my survivor’s guilt carrying all the orphan’s yearning for home leading me to become this ‘mother’ of everyone I meet, orders of precedence — restoring forgiveness in her place next to divine masculine and feminine, releasing my out-of-place desire to heal the women in my ancestral lineage to move on with my own life) and finding my place in this work of healing.

In these complex dynamics involving perpetrators/invaders and victims, we need to give resources to both sides. As my friend said, “either we all heal or nobody heals.” We are all part of a greater system and the reconciliation and peace-giving work must take place with everyone included at the table.